Dancing with the Stars (Week 4): Paula Abdul Week

By Jess Schwager

I spent all day yesterday sleeping and watching season 5 of Gossip Girl on Netflix. I swear I wasn’t pulling a Ferris Bueller. I legitimately had Tonsillitis. Let’s just say that when 7 p.m. rolled around, it was nearly impossible for me to peel my eyes away from Chuck Bass long enough to watch Dancing with the Stars.

Fortunately, I was starving to death and decided to hit up a soup and sandwich shop down the street to get some chicken noodle soup. Unfortunately, the place only had chicken tortilla soup, so I was stuck eating CHICKEN TORTILLA SOUP FROM HELL.

The soup had some sort of demon hot peppers in it, so for the first 15 minutes of DWTS, my nose was running, my eyes were watering, and I was sweating – I was a bigger mess than Paula Abdul.

Oh, see what I just did there? Created a segway. Because it was Paula Abdul night on Dancing with the Stars last night. I’m sorry. I’m half-looped and that was the best I could do.

In all honesty, Paula was not a hot mess at allllll. She was just HOT. I think this DWTS thing is more her gig more than American Idol ever was. She started as a Lakers dancer and turned into a famous choreographer before she ever took to singing, so her commentary and suggestions on DWTS last night seemed pretty legit.

Spotted
Constance Marie, who plays Regina Vasquez (Gilles Marini’s character’s wife) in Switched at Birth, was in last night’s audience. Funny because I always thought she looked like Paula Abdul. ABC truly made this night all about Paula — they even brought in look-a-likes!

Week Four Dance Recap
On last Tuesday’s elimination episode, each dancing duo was forced to pick a dance for one of their fellow competitors to perform. Most of these dances had never even been performed on the show before, not to mention that some of the professional dancers hadn’t even been trained in the dances they were assigned.

It may be a pain in the butt for the professionals to learn new dances, but I personally enjoy this element of difficulty for the professionals AND the stars this episode. ABC has been doing a great job of switching things up this season – from making the stars be their own creative directors to making the professionals choreograph dances they’ve never learned – it’s pretty brilliant.

Let’s dive into the dances.

Kirstie Alley and Maks Chmerkovskiy
30/40  |  Charleston

“I’m trying to channel Shawn (Johnson), but I’m channeling the girl from Psycho getting killed in the shower,” Kirstie said during rehearsal, leading me to believe her routine was going to be terrible. But she proved me wrong.

The footwork to her Charleston was a little off the right beat, but I could tell she was having fun and gave that dance everything she had. With a little more Charleston work, I could totally see her playing Mama Morton in Chicago. Look into it, Kirstie.

“Kirstie, you turn Monday into a fun day,” Len Goodman said. And it’s true.

Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas
32/40  |  Rock and Roll

Bristol and Mark appear to be getting along better this week, but I’m still curious about how their fight last week was resolved. The whole thing is a mystery to me and leads me to believe that ABC really did just provoke the drama.

Whatever the case, I think the fight helped the duo gain more chemistry because they looked like the total package this week. They donned cute Grease-like outfits, had the footwork down pretty well, and seemed to be having fun this week. I see major improvement in Bristol this week. I still think she’s quite a bit behind everyone else, but I do see improvement so that counts for something.

Sabrina Bryan and Louis van Amstel
35.5/40  |  Disco

Whatever pizazz Sabrina and Louis were missing last week, they certainly found this week. I almost caught myself getting off my couch to give them a standing ovation. Instead of doing a Saturday Night Fever-themed disco (overdone), they decided to pay homage to Studio 54. And it was dazzling.

Bruno seemed to think Sabrina was off-beat, but the other judges said she was spot-on. Bruno still gave her a 9.0 despite what he saw. Sabrina and Louis had a few issues with their lifts and tricks, but I forgave them because of the extreme level of difficulty. Bravo, Sabrina and Louis. I hope your disco is enough to keep you on the show because I love watching you two. You’ve finally found the chemistry I’ve been looking for in you.

Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke
36/40  |  Bolero

The Bolero was not one of the five Latin dances that Cheryl was trained in, so she called in some of her dancer friends for help. She fooled me. I couldn’t find a flaw in her Bolero dancing. HOWEVER, the dance was so, so boring to me. I caught myself Facebooking in the middle of their routine. It didn’t showcase Emmitt’s skills at all. I felt like any random dude off the street could do what he did. But the judges disagreed with me –  they all loved the dance and thought he was all steamy and desirable. What do I know? It’s just really hard for me to find anyone but Gilles desirable…Sigh.

Gilles Marini and Peta Murgatroyd
39.5/40 | Bollywood

I don’t even think you understand how much I FREAKING LOVE Bollywood. And Gilles looked all bronzed and toned in his Aladdin-like in his dancing costume. Gilles and Peta could have stood in the middle of the dance floor performing the chicken dance this week and I would have given them a 10.0 based on costume alone.

But I didn’t need to judge based solely on costume because the dance was “spicy as vindaloo” (according to Paula). The couple performed to Jai Ho from Slumdog Millionaire and it was better than anything performed in the movie. One part of Bollywood dancing that has always fascinated me was the hand movements, and somehow in just one week, both Peta and Gilles managed to get those hand movements down impeccably. (Did you know each hand movement actually has a certain meaning? The movements put together are supposed to tell a story.)

Their Bollywood routine was good for three perfect 10s from the judges (Carrie Ann, Paula, and Bruno) and for the season’s highest score.

Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani
37/40 | Jitterbug

I love watching Melissa every week. She dances so effortlessly and appears to be having the BEST time. However, Tony and Melissa’s lifts and tricks scared the crap out of me. I swear, Tony almost dropped her about four times and it made me a nervous wreck. But all-in-all, the couple performed a really fun version of the jitterbug. I have no worries about them going home this week (or ever until the last few weeks – they’re just so good).

Shawn Johnson and Derek Hough
39.5/40 | Mambo

All of the lifts in the world were allowed this week, so I figured Shawn and Derek would slather their mambo in lifts and gymnastics tricks and pay no attention to the choreography, but I was sorely mistaken. The lifts only enhanced the dance. This couple just keeps getting better and better each week. I’m so impressed. I think this duo is a serious contender for that mirror ball trophy this year.

Apolo Anton Ohno and Karina Smirnoff
34.5/40  |  Hip Hop

Watching Karina do hip hop was so unnatural to me and rightfully so. The girl had never done hip hop before in her life. I actually think Apolo looked like the pro dancer in this routine. And poor Karina felt that way, too, because she was sobbing after the routine. I really liked the routine – sure, they were a little out of their comfort zone, but it was a solid hip hop dance. They won’t go home this week because Apolo has a huge fan following. And they got a great score of 34.5, so dry those tears Karina!

Kelly Monaco and Valentin Chmerkovskiy
37.5/40  |  Contemporary

Honestly, I have no idea what to look for when it comes to contemporary dance. Thankfully, my roommate, Kristen, was in the room for Kelly and Val’s dance. Kristen is a huge So You Think You Can Dance? fan, so she knows a thing or two about contemporary dance. She thought Kelly danced beautifully, especially since it was her first time performing a contemporary routine. Not to mention, Kelly danced on a freaking broken toe! The judges loved Kelly’s raw emotion and gave her a solid score of 37.5. I really hope the soap opera fans get out there and vote for her because she deserves to stay on the show.

Bottom Line:
Well, my predictions were 100 percent right last week, saying Helio Castroneves and Drew Lachey would go home, so I’m a little leery of making a prediction this week (I hate being wrong). But I think Bristol and Mark’s number might really be up this week. Fingers crossed… they’re routine was good this week, but they’re so far behind everyone else. If not Bristol and Mark, then probably Kelly and Valentin just because she’s the least famous of the celebrities. Here’s to hoping ‘Merica does the right thing.