American Horror Story: I Need a Straight Jacket for This Show

By Jess Schwager

For weeks now, I’ve been the girl to cover Dancing with the Stars and Gossip Girl on Monday nights. Unfortunately, I’ve been on a two-week hiatus. I had a bad bout of food poisoning last Monday night and another bad case of the American Horror Stories this week. Excuses, excuses.

Let me preface this by saying that I was one of only about 12 Americans who did not watch American Horror Story last season. Around this time last year, I was actually out in Los Angeles visiting my dearest friend, Emily Latka. And that girl was obsessed with American Horror Story. She and a few of our friends got together on Wednesday nights to watch the show, but I never gave it a try. By the time I got turned onto it, it was too late in the season so I didn’t bother.

But you’d better believe that I was not going to miss this season, despite the theme: “Asylum.”

See, I’m not much of a fraidy cat. I find serial killers more fascinating than terrifying. And ghosts? Forgettaboutem. But insane asylums are my absolute nightmare.

And it’s all my mother’s fault.

Growing up, she didn’t punish my sisters the way other parents punished their kids. No “time outs,” no standing with our noses against a wall, no taking away TV privileges. Instead, she’d take off down the sidewalk, hop in the car, and threaten check herself into the “loony bin” because we were driving her crazy.

My sister and I would immediately drop to our knees and beg her to stay. And she always would. Probably because the nearest loony bin was 70 miles away (if there even is such a thing).

I’m not sure where I got my ideas about insane asylums, but for as long as I can remember, I’ve had this idea in my head that the patients served as torture experiments for the psychiatrists. I didn’t want Mama Schwag going anywhere near that shit.

My childhood insane asylum presumptions are what make this season of American Horror Story so dang petrifying – the freaking patients ARE TORTURE EXPERIMENTS. Every idea and every nightmare about insane asylums I’ve never had IS TRUE. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

During each episode, I keep a pillow close to cover my eyes during the scary parts, but I can’t stop watching the stinkin’ show. Even when I’m home alone, even when it’s dark out, even when I’m doing laundry in my creepy-ass basement. I can’t stop watching. There’s something sick inside of me.

So what’s the fuss about? What makes this season so scary? Let me simply quote creator, Ryan Murphy:

“We picked ‘Asylum’ because it not only describes the setting—an insane asylum run by Jessica Lange’s character (Sister Jude) which was formerly a tuberculosis ward—but also signifies a place of haven for the unloved and the unwanted. This year’s theme is about sanity and tackling real life horrors.”

Scary Sitch #1: Seemingly-innocent people get placed in this crazy manor.

Take journalist Lana Winters, for example. She got admitted by Sister Jude after she trespassed on the property to try to expose the inhumane treatment of the patients. Sister Jude admitted her on the premise of being a homosexual, which was considered insane back in 1964 (when the show takes place). Scary.

Oh, and not to mention cutie-patootie Kit Walker, who was admitted for supposedly killing his fiancé; however, the show leads you to believe his fiancé was somehow skinned alive by aliens or similar creatures. Scary.

Scary Sitch #2: The lady who runs the joint is bat-shit crazy.

Her name is Sister Jude and she’s crazier than half of her patients. Sister Jude runs the asylum using extremely forceful techniques – beatings, mind-trickery, solitary confinement, etc. etc. Throughout the season, the writers have given us glimpses of Sister Jude’s past and her journey to becoming a nun. Evidently, she was involved in a deadly hit-and-run and turned to Jesus for help. She’s becoming more and more vulnerable as the season progresses, but she continues to be completely unlikeable and utterly creepy. If Jessica Lange doesn’t win some sort of award for her role as Sister Jude, I’ll be taken aback.

Scary Sitch #3: There’s a Nazi war criminal performing experiments on the inmates.

In episode four, Dr. Arthur Arden (the Nazi) “clipped the wings” of one of the patients who tried to escape (a.k.a. HE CUT OFF HER FREAKING LEGS!!!!!!) I can’t get that sick image out of my mind. Then, as if he hadn’t done enough to that poor girl, he injected her with some sort of chemical to turn her into a flesh-eating, immortal monster.

Scary Sitch #4: Oh yeah, there are flesh-eating, immortal monsters on the loose.

Did I mention that Dr. Arden’s main experiment is turning inmates into scary super-monsters? Well, he is. And he’s turned them loose on the grounds of the asylum. I haven’t quite figured out what they are yet, but the creatures look like zombies. And he’s hinted that they’re immortal. And they eat humans. That’s enough creepy for moi, thank you.

Scary Sitch #5: The devil is on the inside.

As if flesh-eating monsters, war criminals, a creepy nun, and innocent inmates aren’t enough, the devil is also involved. Sort of like the zombie-like creatures, I haven’t figured out what the devil’s purpose is quite yet in this show, but he’s definitely present. We got our first glimpse of him as he possessed a young boy, who was admitted into the hospital to be exorcised. The boy died mid-exorcism, but the devil jumped ship and now possesses one of the nun’s souls instead. And boy, that chick (Sister Mary Eunice played by Lily Rabe) is scarrrrryyyyyyy.

Scary Sitch #6: Bloody Face

And then there’s Bloody Face. We haven’t learned much about Bloody Face yet. We know he’s a killer who skins his victims and wears their skin as a mask. We also know that he kills in both 1964 and 2012.

Sister Jude and the rest of the asylum employees think poor Kit is Bloody Face (but I don’t think he is). Word on the street is that Bloody Face’s true identity will be revealed in episode five this Wednesday. I’m getting antsy about this dude.

***

So, as you can see, this show is giving me weekly heart-attacks and we’re not even half-way through the season. Bravo, Ryan Murphy, you are one scary dude. You’ve made it impossible for me to venture to my scary basement alone. Or to my car in the dark. Or to my office building at night. Congrats.

I don’t want to be the only one who is scared. Tune in to American Horror Story this Wednesday, November 13, at 9 p.m. Central on FX.

[Let’s be scared together. Tweet me at @goldschwager this Wednesday. I’ll virtually hold your hand.]